I wanted to kill myself, but I survived
Ten years ago I wanted to kill myself and end my life. Sometimes we lose hope, but that doesn’t mean we lose the ability to ever hope again.
“Sometimes we lose hope, but that doesn’t mean we lose the ability to ever hope again.”
Over ten years ago, after months of battling depression, I lost all hope of recovering and tried to end my life.
I thought my friends, family, and doctors who urged me toward recovery didn’t understand what I was going through – how raw and painful every moment was.
Suicide started as a fantasy, something I thought about to ease the pain. But as I became more severely depressed, these thoughts came more frequently. I began to think of suicide as a real option.
When I finally tried to take my life, there was no turning back. With a cold and determined resolution, I pushed forward, jumping off a bridge in an attempt to end my life. I was incredibly lucky to survive.
The fall into the water below didn’t end my life. In the confused and overwhelming hours that followed, I was taken to the hospital where my injuries were treated. I had multiple broken bones and a punctured lung, injuries that would heal over time.
But something surprising happened while I was in the hospital. I felt happy to be alive. I felt joy in seeing my family again – just hours earlier, I could barely look them in the eyes, thinking of how much of a burden I had become.
Though it was only a momentary pause from how severely depressed I still was, it proved to me that my mind and body were still capable of recovery. Despite everything I had been through, and my previous certainty that killing myself was the only way to end my pain – I now knew I was wrong.
In the weeks and months that followed, I recovered from my physical injuries and began to improve mentally as well. Despite the depression I was still facing, at my core I finally believed I would get better.
I started with small steps, barely getting out of the door to walk around the block for exercise, and learning to give myself credit – instead of ridicule – for the days when all I could do was get out of bed. I worked to recognize when depression was pulling my thoughts down and how better to distract myself and ignore them.
Though it wasn’t a straight path, I thank myself every day for the work I put into those months and years directly after I tried to end my life.
I wish I had believed I was able to recover from the start, because I now know that no matter how bad things get, recovery is possible and I have a life worth living.
– Joshua R. Beharry, Project Manager, HeadsUpGuys
Learn more about Josh’s recovery in his story video.