“Coping with a suicide loss is brutally tough - but you can do it.”
Take each day, one at a time. Lean on friends and family and talk to them about your grief.
Grieving the loss of a friend or a loved one, under any circumstance, is tough. But deaths by suicide can be even harder to understand, especially when the loss was unexpected. Suicide cuts lives tragically short, and has a profound impact on friends, family members, partners, and the larger communities a guy was a part of.
It’s important to understand that the intense emotional pain of depression – when it’s at its worst – can make it almost impossible for someone to believe they can recover. Their despair can be relentless, with death seeming the only way to escape their pain. Understood in this way, suicide is recognized as reflecting the severity of one’s depression rather than any lack of will or effort to get better.
Looking for one event or reason that led to someone’s suicide often isn’t possible and oversimplifies the severity of the illness they were facing. Why someone ends their life is very complex and we may never understand all the factors that influenced a person to take such a desperate action.
Suicide doesn’t reflect the person’s character, but rather gives us a sense of just how overwhelming their pain was. The happy memories you have of the person are who they really were and that is what is important to hold on to.
Struggling with suicide loss?
If you’ve lost someone to suicide, it’s normal to feel a wide range of overwhelming emotions. You may feel shocked, confused, angry, sad, and abandoned.
It’s also common to struggle with feelings of guilt, wishing you had noticed any warning signs or done more to help. It’s very likely though that the man you’ve lost was shielding you from how badly he felt, perhaps believing that he was protecting you from being burdened by him.
Whatever feelings you’re having, know that it’s OK and let yourself feel without judgement – that is extremely important, especially for people who may typically not like to show their emotions. Allow yourself to grieve – feel it, confront it, process it. Expressing these emotions – whatever they are – keeps you from bottling things up and feeling worse in the long run. Just like going for a run can help relieve stress, releasing one’s feelings can do the same.
Though you may feel alone, there are others who have faced similar tragedies in their lives. You may want to check with your local mental health centre or search online for “suicide survivors” to find support groups in your area.
The misunderstanding and stigma around suicide can make it hard for you let others know what happened – but this, in turn, makes it harder to receive support from your friends and family. Being more transparent about the suicide death of your family member or loved one will help your friends and family members to fully support you, as they can better appreciate what you are going through.
Though every situation is different (especially when young children are involved), the vast majority of people are glad they opened up about the realities of the tragedy they are dealing with. Speaking about suicide also helps to open up important conversations about mental health, which may help others reach out in the future.
You don’t need to share any details around how the suicide took place, but simply acknowledging that the cause was suicide can help.
Supporting a friend
Often what someone needs most is simply a shoulder to lean on and a friend to listen. Try saying something like:
If they are not open to talking about what happened, be patient and give them space.
Sometimes a hug or a reassuring pat on the back is enough to let them know you’re there.
There is a lot of stigma around suicide and it can be very tough for your friend to talk about their loss. Your friend may be feeling a wide array of emotions, including guilt or anger.
Give your friend a chance to express what they are feeling and let them know you are someone they can be completely open with.
Try saying something like:
Using the word “suicide” may be difficult but it shows you are acknowledging the full extent of their loss and that you are there for them.
If your friend begins to open up, let them do the talking. Simply allowing them to express their emotions and get things off their chest can be a huge help. Let them know that whatever they are feeling is okay.
If you’ve gone through a similar loss, you can also share what you’ve been through.
Over the next few days, weeks, or months it will be important to remind your friend that you’re available to talk. They may be reluctant at first and some people might not want to, but just knowing you are there can also help.
If they are struggling, suggest seeking out professional support. Though you want to help your friend as much as possible, a therapist or support group will have much more experience in helping someone after a suicide. Try searching online for “suicide survivors” to find support groups in your area.
As our societies evolve, so does our use of language, especially when it comes to more complicated topics like suicide. Using more considerate language can increase our understanding, limit grief, and ultimately may even help save lives.
We have provided some brief language guidelines aimed at changing our society’s perceptions of suicide:
“Committed suicide” “Died by suicide”
“Successful suicide” “Died by suicide” or “fatal sucide attempt”
“Choose suicide” “Died by suicide”
“Suicide victim” or “Victim of suicide” “A person who died by suicide”
By reframing the way we talk about suicide, through small changes in our words, we have the power to reduce stigma and make it easier for men who are thinking about suicude to reach out for support.
The way you honour your friend or loved one is going to be unique to your relationship and the person who died, and there are many ways to do so. This can be an important part of the grieving process and help you to feel more at peace with your loss.
Here are some ways others have honoured lives of those lost to suicide:
Your honouring also doesn’t have to be a one time event. Continue to speak and share stories about your friend and loved one. As you move forward with your life, don’t let their name or memory fade because of the stigma around how it ended.