Matthew's Story
Matthew Barley shares his story about uncovering repressed trauma and expressing his experiences through music.
"The most important step, always, is to get help. "
About Matthew:
I’m cellist Matthew Barley and I’ve just started my latest project, Light Stories. It’s a kind of musical autobiography that delves into some crises I experienced as a teenager (life threatening at one point), and how music helped me heal as an adult, and brought stability and peace to my life.
Light Stories is out now on Signum Classics.
WHAT WAS THE MAJOR TURNING POINT IN YOUR MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY?
I had a traumatic episode as a teenager during a drug overdose. I essentially suffered a psychotic breakdown and tried to kill myself, but then buried it, until it all opened up in just the last five years.
I am a professional musician and have had a successful career and a rich and happy family life, but I had no idea just how much of the past I had locked away, in particular some of the dark times that led up to that episode as a teenager.
I was being bullied at school – not daily, but enough for me to be scared at school every day – and getting into drugs, bunking off school and generally going into a sort of decline. I didn’t speak to anyone about anything in my life at all.
It feels so strange nowadays, but nobody really talked in those days – we’re talking Sheffield in the 1970s – and I certainly had no awareness that talking about things was even a possibility. It wasn’t a case of ‘I know I should talk but I don’t want to’- it just wasn’t a thing. How different things are now – thank god!
WHAT ARE SOME THINGS THAT REALLY HELPED?
My recent healing journey involved a course of trauma therapy which was incredibly potent in unlocking the trauma that was physically stored inside my body (I read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk which was fascinating and essential).
And, as an artist, the whole process of telling my story in musical form has been a deep healing journey. I created an album called Light Stories and the process involved taking a template of a story – I chose the Voyage and Return from Christopher Booker’s The Seven Basic Plots, dividing it up into 15 chapters and creating music to fit each one.
This often involved finding music inside by either sitting and listening intently, or sometimes moving while remembering parts of my story, but whatever the process of creation, as I developed the material I was in contact with parts of my journey in a way that was deeply cathartic. It was often quite uncomfortable during the ride – I could end a composition session quite raw and needing to be quiet and still, but eventually I felt liberated by the process of giving my story sonic form.
Over the years the discipline of daily cello practice has rooted my life in a really good way, and in the last 10 years, daily meditation has helped me find a stillness and perspective on life that is precious.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO OTHER GUYS FIGHTING TO IMPROVE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH?
My advice to any men struggling with their mental health? I’m sure it is the same as advice from many quarters as it is well known, but can often be so hard to follow when you are actually in a hole…but moving the body, feeding and watering it well and healthily, sleeping well, are all things that help. But, as I say, they can be hard to find.
The most important, always, is to get help.
Talk to people around you, unload, be honest, share, ask questions. It can be nearly impossible to get help when you are deep in a hole, and I encourage people who are prone to bouts of depression to write a letter during a good phase, to their depressed self, so that if things get bad, they can read something from a ‘better self’ with instructions and advice.
It’s a relief that nowadays mental health is more and more talked about. Only a few years ago it felt much more taboo, and I hope it is soon as normal as talking about our physical health.
– Matthew Barley, London, UK 