Tips for supporting a man with depression
Knowing how to provide support helps keep things manageable for you, and helpful for him.
Knowing how to provide support helps keep things manageable for you, and helpful for him.
Even having one trusted supporter can have a huge impact on a man’s ability to recover
Starting a Conversation with a man about depression is the first step in supporting him. But then what?
Supporting a person who is struggling with depression may be intuitive for some people, but for most, it’s new territory. Knowing how to offer helpful support in a manageable way is critical not only for the person we’re supporting, but also for ourselves.
The tips below can help you become the best support person you can be for the man you care about.
The first and most important part about providing support is to let him know that you’re there for him, while being mindful about how much time you can give depending on your relationship and other commitments.
What you can say:
Often, the most helpful way we can support a person who is struggling with depression is to simply listen, allowing him to share what he is dealing with.
Key components of active listening include:
When a guy does open up, you want to be receptive so he’ll feel comfortable talking to you more in the future.
Our article on Active Listening provides more detail and examples on how to build this critical skill.
Being available means responding in a timely and receptive manner, if or when he reaches out.
When supporting someone, we need to do our best to prioritize important conversations even if it means interrupting our own activities. If you can’t talk right away, let him know a specific time when you can chat instead.
The keys here are to:
What you can say:
It’s best to not assume that you know what the other person needs. Instead, ask him what support he wants or needs. By asking directly, we are also letting him know we’re able to help on his terms.
It’s really important to keep in mind that as a support person, you are not the guy’s doctor or therapist. Instead, be realistic about what you can do to support someone in a manageable and appropriate way.
Some practical ways that you might provide support include:
Many of the areas you can offer to help with are covered in our section called The Essentials.
If you do end up helping to manage some of his responsibilities, you can pull back and allow him to retake charge as he starts to feel better.
Men are often much kinder to their friends than they are to themselves, and thus may be more receptive to participating in healthy activities if they think they are helping us.
You could ask for his help with:
Regularly check in with him, whether it’s through messages, calls, or in-person visits. You want to let him know that you’re there for him, and willing to listen.
How often you check in will depend on your relationship, but it could be a daily message, a weekly call, or a monthly get-together.
Sometimes it can help to make it seem like he’s doing you a favour. You can say something like:
It’s pretty common to want to ‘fix’ the problems that a person we care about is confronted with, but this usually leads to a man feeling as if he’s weak, broken, or not capable of helping himself, which could cause him to further withdraw. We want to focus more on being available and supporting him in ways that he defines as helpful or needed.
Taking on too much responsibility and pressure in support of another person has the potential to become overwhelming.
If you need a break, be honest and work toward more sustainable levels of support. If necessary, you may want to set some boundaries around what you are willing to do and not do.
Keep in mind that:
Recovering from depression tends be a long process and there are going to be ups and downs along the way.
As a support person, it’s very important to be patient, to not get caught up in the pessimism that often occurs during the “downs”, provide positive reinforcement during the “ups”, and generally be hopeful and encouraging.
Remember that support from peers (friends, family, co-workers, etc) is not a replacement for professional help and our roles are not to diagnose or provide therapy.
Connecting with a family doctor and/or mental health professional is crucial for a man’s recovery from depression.
There are two main approaches we want to encourage (either simultaneously or in step-wise fashion):
A family doctor can help to:
Men tend to be reluctant to seek help for depression, so it may take some effort to get him to open up to the idea.
What you can say:
Talk therapy, known formally as ‘psychotherapy’ or more simply ‘therapy’, is a form of treatment for various mental health issues that is supported by decades of research. Among the treatments available for depression, talk therapy is one of the most effective and widely used.
A lot of men may not really know what therapy is about and feel reluctant to go.
What you can say:
Check out our Guide to Therapy for Men for more information.
Encourage him to stick to the recovery process and the advice provided to him through his professional support.
If there seems to be a valid issue with the doctor or therapist he is seeing, you can help look into other resources that may help. Finding a good fit with a doctor or therapist sometimes takes a few tries. Let him know that this is OK and that part of the recovery process is trying and finding the resources that work best for him.
Men who are struggling with depression often withdraw from social activities, which can exacerbate their symptoms. This underscores the importance of our presence and support, to encourage him to stay connected and engaged with his social life.
See our article for tips on Supporting a Man who is Withdrawing.
Many guys fighting depression will have suicidal thoughts. Any kind of reference to suicide, even if done in a joking manner, should be taken seriously.
For help with understanding and addressing suicide risk, see our section on Managing Suicide Risk.
Depression seriously affects a guy’s mood, and for some, that means sometimes being irritable, angry, or behaving in ways that may be out of character for them. Try to understand that is not a personal attack on you or reflecting a lack of appreciation of your support, but instead is a reflection of the significant internal pain he is suffering.
Providing ongoing support for someone who is struggling with a serious illness like depression can come with challenges that can affect our own health. Our page on Taking Care of Yourself is essential reading for any long-term supporter.
Next Step:
Help us explore the complex connections between men's mental health and their romantic relationships by participating in the Men and Relationships Study. Your insights will contribute to a deeper understanding of how relationships impact well-being, helping to shape better mental health support for men.
Participants may enter a draw for one of four $100 prepaid Mastercards.
Take the survey today and be part of this important research.