“A conversation around me not wanting my partner to initiate sex when I’m feeling depressed.”
Practice Talking About Sexual Intimacy
Preparing for conversations about intimacy ahead of time can help us reduce both nerves and awkwardness in the moment.
Here we’ll fill out the “Aspects of Communication” chart as we did in section one, but this time centered around talking about sexual intimacy.
But first let’s look at an example:
Step 1
Write the topic of a conversation around sexual intimacy that either you have had recently or want to have.
Step 2
Using the seven elements of positive communication like in the last section, modify different points that you either brought up or would have brought up in the conversation.
Perhaps you said:
Instead, try saying:
Be Positive
“Stop trying to have sex with me when I’m feeling depressed.”
“Can we please just cuddle on nights when I’m feeling depressed?”
Be Brief
“Can you stop asking for so much energy from me when I feel down and always asking to party, have sex, or go on a date? “
“I’d like it if we could stay in and just cuddle on nights when I feel down.”
Be Specific
“You make me feel like I’m not enough.”
“It would show me that you care about me if you initiated cuddling when I’m feeling down.”
Label Feelings
“You don’t stop to pay attention to my mood before you start kissing me.”
“It makes me frustrated when you start kissing me without stopping to pay attention to my mood first.”
Offer an Understanding Statement
“Stop being so selfish and think about how I’m feeling too.”
“I know that sex can decrease stress for you and that you might even think sex will cheer me up too, but I just can’t be an effective sex partner for you when I’m feeling so down.”
Take Partial Responsibility
“You do such a bad job at reading me when I’m sad. I’m your boyfriend, you should know what it looks like when I feel a certain way.”
“I know I don’t always do the best job communicating that I’m feeling down, so that’s something that I will work on.”
Offer Help
“You can always just initiate sex more often when it seems like I’m having a good day.”
“I’ll do a better job at both letting you know when I’m feeling down and at initiating things when I’m in a good mood.”
Try it yourself
This is the second Workbench Exercise of our Building Relationship Skills Course. This space is meant for you to reflect and write out your thoughts, which you can optionally save to your device or print. Note that nothing you write below gets saved by our site.
These workbench exercises will help you to slow down and more fully examine the way you communicate with your partner. Learning about relationships is one thing, but here is where the real work begins.
POSITIVE COMMUNICATION WORKSHEET
Step 1
Write the topic of a conversation around sexual intimacy that either you have had recently or want to have.
Step 2
Using the seven elements of positive communication, modify different points that you either brought up or would have typically brought up in the conversation. The more we practice, the more we will naturally be able to communicate in this more effective and respectful style.
Perhaps you said
Instead, try saying
Be Positive
Be Brief
Be Specific
Label Feelings
Offer an Understanding Statement
Take Partial Responsibility
Offer Help
Remember to save your Workbench Exercise notes, as they will be helpful as we move through the course, and can also serve as something to reflect back on in the future.