Thinking About Writing a Suicide Note? Read This First
Hear from someone who’s been there: how to counter suicidal thoughts, why recovery is possible, and where to find immediate support.
"I thought I was beyond recovery. But I'm still here, over a decade later, enjoying life."
If you’re thinking about writing a suicide note, please pause for a moment and take a few deep breaths.
I, and many others, have been where you are right now. It’s okay to lose hope. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel well again.
In 2010, after several months of being severely depressed (and years of ongoing issues) I tried to end my life. I lost hope of getting better and thought I was stuck in a place of unrelenting emotional pain. A couple of hours before I attempted to end my life, I tried to write a suicide note.
Writing a note wasn’t just about saying goodbye. It was an attempt to explain what I was feeling and why I couldn’t keep going. It was a way to scream, without making a sound.
I wanted to tell my family I loved them, that I had tried my best, but the pain was too much. I thought continuing to live was only punishing myself and further burdening them.
I couldn’t write my thoughts down in a way that felt remotely adequate, which further frustrated and saddened me. I wasn’t capable of thinking clearly or in a place to make even basic decisions about my life.
Eventually, I scrawled across the page “I can’t do this”. Within an hour, I tried to end my life. I was incredibly lucky to survive.
Recovery is Still Possible
Through my work at HeadsUpGuys over the last 10 years, I’ve been introduced to many men who have dealt with suicidal thoughts, including those who have also survived suicide attempts.
I don’t know how to convince you that recovery is still possible, other than sharing that I and many others have had the same thoughts of “knowing” we would never get better, and yet managed to regain control of our lives.
When most people reach the point of attempting suicide, they aren’t thinking like themselves. Depression is a severe illness that can drastically affect the way we think. It’s debilitating. We can’t let this version of ourselves decide our fate.
You have to ask yourself: who do you trust more? Yourself in a state of pain that makes it hard to think, or the countless people who’ve been in that very dark place and still were able to come out the other side?
Why People Write Suicide Notes and How to Stop Yourself
Suicide notes often express the things we’ve struggled to say out loud: pain, love, frustration, guilt, and shame.
Here are a few of the main reasons why people write suicide notes, and how to reframe these thoughts.
1. The Pain is Too Much
You may be having thoughts like:
- ‘I want the pain to stop.’
- ‘I can’t do this anymore.’
- ‘Everything feels too heavy. I have no will to live.’
Here’s how you can challenge these thoughts:
When pain becomes unbearable, suicide can seem like the only way out. From my own experience, it wasn’t that I wanted to die, it was that I saw no other way forward. In these moments, it’s understandable to think about suicide. But suicide doesn’t only end pain, it also ends any future joy, laughter, and connection with the people and things we care about.
When you’re dealing with a mental health crisis, you can get stuck in the pain and heavy feelings for so long that you forget what ‘okay’ feels like. That doesn’t mean you’ll feel this way forever. It means you need time and support for your mind and body to recalibrate.
Emotional pain isn’t permanent. I’ve had days where doing basic tasks felt like competing in an ultra-marathon. I’ve had weeks and months piled up where things felt hopeless in a way that I was certain that no one else could understand.
I felt like I had never been happy and all the memories or even old photos of me were lies, that I had been pretending to be happy or just naive. I felt like I would feel this way forever. But despite how intense those feelings were, they were wrong.
I’ve been through some ups and downs since my attempt, but nowhere close to the pain I felt in 2010. What may feel unbearable to you right now can feel very different tomorrow or the next week or the next month. Give yourself time to recover.
Survivors not only share the pain you felt, but the knowledge of how inconceivable recovery felt, before we were able to reach it.
2. Shame, guilt, and anger
You may be having thoughts like:
- ‘I’ve let everyone down.’
- ‘I hate who I’ve become.’
- ‘Everyone will be better off without me.’
- ‘Maybe now they’ll finally understand how much I’ve been hurting.’
Here’s how you can challenge these thoughts:
A lot of guys carry heavy feelings of shame or guilt. You might feel like you’ve failed or let people down. Or maybe you’re angry with others, with yourself, or with how life has turned out.
I had convinced myself that my family and friends would be better off without me. I was lonely and embarrassed with how my life was turning out. I was angry with myself for the degree I was pursuing in university. It felt like I had spent years preparing the way for a life I knew I would no longer enjoy.
Feeling like a burden often comes from a twisted place of love, as you don’t want to hurt the people you care about. But those people aren’t better off without you, and most would rather carry this burden with you.
Feeling guilt doesn’t mean you’re beyond forgiveness. It means you still care. The people who care about you don’t want a note, they want you.
The pain depression causes is more than anyone deserves to feel. I didn’t recognize it then, but pain warps our perspective, as we project our current emotional state into the past, present, and future.
It tells you you’re broken beyond repair, that things won’t change, that people don’t care – but none of this is true. Things can change. You can get better. And the part of you that feels ashamed, guilty, or angry needs to know that.
3. You want to explain yourself
You may be having thoughts like:
- ‘I want people to know why.’
- ‘I want someone, anyone, to understand what I’ve been through, and why I’m ending my life.’
Here’s how you can challenge these thoughts:
Many guys write notes because they want to explain their pain. To say goodbye and help others understand why they’re ending their lives.
These thoughts also mean you still want to be understood and you care about what others think of you.
The problem is that a suicide note is a one-way message. It ends the conversation. If you truly want to be heard and to share what you’re going through, then you need to stay and give people a chance to have that conversation with you.
Real connection, the kind that heals, only happens if you’re still here.
4. You want people to know you still love them
You may be having thoughts like:
- ‘I don’t want to hurt them. I want them to know I love them.’
- ‘I don’t want them to blame themselves or think they didn’t help enough.’
Here’s how you can challenge these thoughts:
Sometimes what drives us to write a note is love. You want the people in your life to know they mattered, that you don’t want to hurt them, and that you still love them.
Though the pain may feel greater than your love in the moment, it won’t last forever. It may feel that way, but the fact that you still care about someone shows that despite all the pain you are in, you still feel a connection to someone.
If you are able to recover, instead of ending your life, you can experience that connection. You can say everything you want directly to those you care about. And like me and countless others, you get the chance to experience life with them and to make new connections with people you’ve not met yet.
I was so sad to have “failed” at recovery, to be burdening my parents, and letting them down. But after my attempt I was filled with joy and happiness when I saw them again, something I didn’t think was even possible to feel anymore.
The ability to feel anything positive was a shock to me, and provided the spark I needed to fuel my recovery.
If you care enough to write a note, then you care enough to stay. Use that concern for others as a reason to reach out, to stay connected, and to hold on until all the steps you are taking to improve your mental health and recovery have time to work.
Please Stay
Your pain is not your story.
Right now, your thoughts and feelings are likely very twisted and distorted from reality. You may not believe me, they may “feel” true, but this is part of what learning to battle mental health issues like depression and suicidal thoughts is about. It’s learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions, learning to trust in your ability to recover, learning what strategies work best for you, and giving yourself time to get better.
When I look back at journal entries or notes I made in the weeks leading up to my attempt, I barely recognize the person writing them. They come from a place of intense pain.
Something in your life needs to change, but that change doesn’t have to be your life ending. It can be the beginning or continuation of finding help, support, and more ways to cope.
Treat yourself the way you would someone you love. You wouldn’t let them make a life-or-death decision when they’re in immense pain. You’d protect them. Be that friend to yourself.
When you have these thoughts, simplify your life. Today is about staying safe. Today is about surviving. Try not to put further expectations on yourself. What you’re dealing with is real. It is hard. But it can get better.
We at HeadsUpGuys, and many others, are here to help. You’re not alone.