WHEN “BEING A MAN” BECOMES A SOURCE OF STRESS OR PRESSURE
Feeling pressure to “be a man”? Discover how masculine expectations impact wellbeing and learn to build a healthier version of masculinity.
YOU DESERVE A VERSION OF MASCULINITY THAT SUPPORTS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, AND THE LIFE YOU WANT TO BUILD.
What does it really mean to “be a man”? For many of us, the answer isn’t something we consciously choose, but is rather something we absorb from family, culture, school, media, and our peers. While some of these expectations can be motivating, others can create stress, shame, and pressure that affects our mental health and relationships.
Jump to section:
- How Cultural Expectations Shape Our Lives
- What does “Being a Man” Mean?
- Defining Your Own Values
- Checking In
- Practical Steps
- Next Steps
In every culture, there are shared ideas about how men are expected to think, feel, and behave. These expectations can provide useful guidance or motivation, encouraging us to take on responsibility, step out of our comfort zones, persevere through challenges, and contribute to our communities.
In addition to the positives, these expectations can also:
- Place constraints on us, as we try to avoid behaving in ways that aren’t consistent with these expectations. This can make it harder for us to ask for help or be open with our emotions.
- Put excess pressure on us to continually meet the expectations of “being a man”. Not meeting these expectations can cause stress and feelings of inadequacy, especially when it comes to physical strength, wealth, and an over-emphasis on self-reliance.
These stresses are referred to as gender role stress, which is something just about every man experiences.
How Cultural Expectations Shape Our Lives
From the moment we’re born (or even before), certain expectations are placed on us based on our biological sex. For example, consider how a nursery might be decorated for a baby boy compared to a baby girl. Over time, and especially as we reach adolescence, we are socialised to behave in certain ways based on our sex.
From infancy, children absorb ideas about what boys and girls are “supposed” to enjoy or be good at. By secondary school, those messages often shape course choices, with caregiving or homemaking skills (e.g., sewing, cooking, childcare) framed as feminine and trades or science subjects (e.g., engineering, woodwork, physics) framed as masculine. Many boys shy away from subjects they have an interest or talent in out of fear of standing out or being teased.
Such “masculine prescriptions” of what men are “supposed” to do continues into college, university, and into the workforce. Data from the United States shows that over 80% of health, social services, and education degrees are earned by women, while men account for over 75% of engineering and computer science degrees,[1] patterns which are mirrored in the workforce.[2]
We often have unconscious opinions (biases) about men who work in roles more associated with women, such as nurses, carers, early childhood educators, flight attendants, or secretaries. For example, if someone is asked to picture a nurse, they will almost always think of a woman, unless “male nurse” is specified.
At home, we might feel like certain chores, such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, or even childcare, make us feel like less of “a man”. These biases are rooted in cultural expectations, which vary greatly across the world.
What does “Being a Man” Mean?
While gendered differences in schooling, sports, and careers are mostly observed at a broad social level, there are many subtle yet very powerful pressures that men face every day on a personal level, shaping our sense of how we’re “supposed” to behave, feel, express ourselves, and interact with others.
These pressures to meet certain standards are sometimes referred to as the “Man Box” or the “Armour of Masculinity”. These terms describe the traits that boys and men are “expected to have” as well as “feminine” traits that we’re expected to shy away from so we aren’t perceived as “girly”, “weak”, “effeminate”, etc.
These pressures tend to operate in two main ways:
- Pressure to embody traits labelled as masculine such as strength, success, dominance, sexual confidence, and emotional control.
- Pressure to avoid traits labelled as feminine such as emotional vulnerability, asking for help, or being supportive and patient.
It’s important to remember that masculinity itself isn’t inherently bad or toxic. It’s more that certain masculine traits can become unhealthy when taken to the extreme, or when we feel a constant need to “prove ourselves”.
At the same time, shutting down anything “feminine”, like showing emotions (other than anger), asking for support, or openly caring for someone, can hurt our mental health and our relationships.
For example:
Controlling our emotions:
- Men are often expected to stay calm, stoic, or emotionally contained at all times. Showing sadness, fear, or vulnerability may be labelled as “weak” or “dramatic”, which leads many guys to suppress their emotions rather than process them. Over time, bottling things up can cause significant stress and irritability, contributing to anxiety and depression.
Self-reliance:
- There is strong pressure on us to “handle things on our own” and avoid asking for help. While independence is certainly an admirable trait, when taken to an extreme, it can prevent us from seeking support when we genuinely need it, whether that’s emotional support, medical care, or practical assistance. This can mean avoiding asking for help when moving houses or doing physical labour, not admitting to financial difficulties, or not asking your boss or team for assistance at work.
Strength and toughness:
- Physical and mental toughness in men are often praised, while rest, caring for others, or taking time out to unwind are discouraged. Men may feel compelled to push through pain, exhaustion, or burnout rather than listening to our bodies or setting limits. Some guys may also feel inferior when they’re not as built or ‘jacked’ as other men they see online.
Success and status:
- Many guys feel judged by their income, job title, or how productive they appear to be. When self-worth is tied to achievement or financial success, setbacks such as job loss, under-employment, or frustrations with our careers can hit especially hard. Focusing on these status markers often also comes at the cost of healthy relationships, time with family, relaxation and exploring hobbies or interests.
Sexual confidence and dominance:
- Men are expected to be confident, experienced, and always interested in sex. This can create pressure to perform, discourage honest conversations about boundaries or insecurities, and make it harder to talk openly about intimacy, consent, and sexual health.
On top of limiting how we relate to others, these pressures can also affect how we think of and treat ourselves. Many men find it hard to extend care, compassion, or patience to themselves, instead thinking they should knuckle down and “push through” whatever they encounter, including mental health challenges.
When any parts of our lives fall outside the constraints of the “Man Box”, we often ignore, judge, or hide those parts of ourselves.
Over time, this can affect our:
- Mental health, through chronic stress, emotional suppression, or isolation.
- Relationships, by limiting emotional intimacy and honest communication.
- Physical health, through ignoring pain, illness, or fatigue.
- Identity, causing feelings of ‘failure’ for not being ‘man enough’.
Expanding what it means to be a man doesn’t mean rejecting masculinity. But we need to recognise that strength can include asking for help, that responsibility means knowing when to take some time for ourselves, and that being honest or open about our emotions deepens trust rather than undermines it.
When we give ourselves permission to step outside these rigid expectations, we gain access to a fuller emotional life, healthier relationships, and a more sustainable sense of self-worth. We get to be ourselves, not just a filtered version of who we think society wants us to be.
Checking In
We have a quick self-check based on the Masculine Gender Role Stress Scale.[3] In just a few minutes, it can show how the sorts of pressures described above are affecting your well-being.
See how masculinity shapes you:
Defining Your Own Values
One of the most important steps for addressing the pressure of “being a man” is recognising that cultural expectations are not the same thing as personal values. Just because something is common, expected, or rewarded, it doesn’t automatically mean it’s right for you, your well-being, or your relationships.
Many of us absorb ideas about what “being a man” should look like long before we ever stop to question them. Over time, these expectations can start to feel like rules we need to follow, rather than social norms we’re allowed to evaluate and choose from.
When we start to question these rules, we can start to take ownership and develop our own values. Ask yourself:
- Which of these expectations actually matter to me?
- Which ones help me live the kind of life I want?
- Which ones cause more harm than good?
This process isn’t about abandoning masculinity. It’s about consciously defining your own version of manhood, based on your values.
For some men, that might mean prioritising emotional honesty over appearing “tough”. For others, it might mean valuing time with your partner or family more than chasing status, income, or productivity. Some men might find they want to assert themselves more and take on a more active role in their community.
Developing your own set of values can also act as a buffer against shame and comparison. When your sense of identity is based on values you’ve chosen for yourself, it becomes easier to recognise when external expectations don’t fit them.
In some ways, it’s similar to how most of us don’t feel guilty for failing to strictly follow the rules of a religion that we don’t personally subscribe to. Once you’ve clarified what matters to you, it becomes easier to let go of pressure to meet narrow or outdated forms of masculinity that don’t support your well-being or relationships.
Instead of asking, “Am I being a man?”, the question becomes, “Am I living in a way that aligns with my values?”
Relationships
Taking some time to question the “rules” of masculinity can also help us identify where rigid expectations may be hurting our relationships. If emotional withdrawal, overwork, or self-reliance are creating distance between us and the people we care about, this may be a sign that certain expectations are no longer serving us. Often, the goal isn’t to abandon strength or independence, but to clarify when flexibility, openness, or support leads to healthier connections.
When we pause to reflect on how our behaviour affects others, we create space to choose responses that align with our values rather than automatic habits. That might mean sharing what’s going on instead of shutting down, accepting help instead of pushing through alone, or prioritising time spent with loved ones over trying to prove ourselves through productivity or status.
Reshaping Masculinity
Shaping what masculinity means to us is a gradual process. It involves reflecting on past experiences, noticing when you feel tense or “not good enough”, and gently questioning any assumptions underneath those feelings.
This can be an incredibly empowering process as you develop your own set of rules that allow you to live a healthier life with greater self-respect, stronger relationships, and a more stable sense of who you are.
You don’t have to judge yourself by every expectation placed on you to “be a man”. You do, however, deserve a version of masculinity that supports your mental health, your relationships, and the life you want to build.
Practical Steps
One way to start building your own version of masculinity is to start noticing and questioning the automatic (and sometimes subconscious) thoughts that are currently guiding your feelings and behaviours.
If any of the following situations or automatic thoughts feel familiar to you, tap or click “read more” to see the underlying expectation and a more values-based reframing of the thought:
Internal / emotional experiences
Feeling overwhelmed at work.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “I should be able to handle this on my own.”
- Expectation: “A man should be self-reliant and not need help.”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “Asking for support is part of being responsible. Getting help now prevents burnout later.”
Feeling pressure to be muscular, fit, or “strong”.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “I should be stronger if I want to be a real man.”
- Expectation: “Men should be physically strong and imposing.”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “I want to be strong enough to keep up with activities and hobbies I enjoy, but I don’t need to meet any criteria for looking a certain way or benching a certain amount to ‘be a man’.”
Struggling financially or being between jobs.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “I’m failing as a man if I can’t provide the way I should.”
- Expectation: “A man’s worth is tied to income and status.”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “My value isn’t defined by my paycheck. Stability, effort, and integrity matter too. I can’t make someone hire me, but I can control how many applications I send out.”
Feeling burnt-out but pushing through.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “I can’t stop. I just need to tough it out.”
- Expectation: “Men should be tough and ignore limits.”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “Sometimes rest is necessary to recharge. Taking care of my health helps me show up better long-term.”
Feeling anxious or depressed.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “I don’t have time to think about this. I just need to push through.”
- Expectation: “Men shouldn’t struggle emotionally.”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “These feelings are warning signals, not personal failures. Paying attention and taking action to address them is healthy.”
Social / relational experiences
Partner says you seem distant.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “I don’t want to get into emotions, that’ll just make things worse.”
- Expectation: “Men should be in control of their emotions.”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “Being open might feel uncomfortable, but honesty supports trust and connection.”
Hesitating to hug a friend.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “I don’t want to seem too emotional or appear gay.”
- Expectation: “Men shouldn’t show affection; hugging is feminine or unmanly.”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “Hugging is a healthy and normal way of showing affection. Being affectionate doesn’t make me less of a man.”
Wanting emotional support from friends.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems.”
- Expectation: “Men shouldn’t rely on others emotionally.”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “Sharing what’s going on can strengthen friendships and reduce isolation.”
Not interested in traditionally ‘masculine’ hobbies.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “There’s something wrong with me for not liking this.”
- Expectation: “Men should enjoy certain activities (sports, action movies, hunting, fishing, etc.).”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “My interests don’t define my masculinity. I’m allowed to like what I like.”
Helping with dishes or putting the kids to bed.
- Automatic Thought (Culturally Driven): “I shouldn’t be doing this. This is something a woman should be handling.”
- Expectation: “Men shouldn’t do household chores or childcare, because caregiving is for women.”
- Reframed Thought (Values-Based): “I value being a good partner and parent. Doing chores or helping with the kids is part of caring for my family, and as long as we share the work fairly, it doesn’t matter who does what.”
By noticing and questioning the underlying expectations of these automatic thoughts, you can start to pick out which ones are relevant to you, and which ones you can do without.
You can also start to consciously decide for yourself what values you want to promote for yourself, rather than just letting cultural expectations around masculinity decide your values for you.
Next Steps
Tackling the kinds of stresses that come from living up to masculine expectations is not easy, and not something that happens overnight. Most of us need to overcome a lifetime of unconscious influences that shape our thoughts, much more than we may realize.
As a personal challenge, for the next week, try setting aside five minutes at the end of the day to journal and think back about any decisions you may have made that day that were influenced by the “man box”.
We also have a course designed to help you identify and reframe negative thoughts you may be having around stress and self-judgment:
References
- https://aibm.org/research/major-changes-gender-shifts-in-undergraduate-studies-over-time/
- https://www.axios.com/2024/02/15/chart-the-most-gendered-occupations
- Swartout, K. M., Parrott, D. J., Cohn, A. M., Hagman, B. T., & Gallagher, K. E. (2015). Development of the Abbreviated Masculine Gender Role Stress Scale. Psychological assessment, 27(2), 489–500. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0038443