Jhöl's Story
Jhöl shares how he made a commitment to end a family cycle of mental health neglect, and the skills he's learned to pass on to his son.
Depression and anxiety can own you or you can own them, and the difference usually starts with what you say to yourself.
About Jhöl:
I spent years as a renovation carpenter and building manager before depression handed me a different set of blueprints to work from. I’m now the Founder and Executive Director of The Mensdate Project, a men’s peer support initiative running brunches and structured programs across Canada. I’m also writing a memoir called ‘What Colour Is the Sunset?’ about what it actually takes to come back from grief, trauma, and the dark.
What was the major turning point in your recovery from depression?
My dad told me early on, “It’s not your fault son, you’re made like me, there’s nothing you can do,” and for a long time I believed him.
The first real turn came through yoga, where some simple breathing work taught me I could actually have a different reaction… that I had more control over my feelings than I’d thought.
The second came when I watched my oldest son start carrying the same stuff I’d inherited, and I hit a wall: this stops with me. I made a commitment that day to figure it out for myself, so I’d have something real to hand him.
What are some things that really helped?
- Yoga and breathing: Learning a simple breathing technique gave me real-time control over my reactions for the first time. That was the first thing that made me feel like I wasn’t just at the mercy of my own head.
- Cutting alcohol: I reduced my drinking by about 75 percent. It’s hard to do emotional work with your nervous system running on something that depresses it further.
- Regular sleep: Getting consistent sleep changed everything. When I’m rested, I’m a different person. When I’m not, every hard thing gets harder.
- Diet and nutrition: I cleaned up what I eat, took stock of the vitamins and supplements my body actually needs, cut most junk food, and keep coffee to mornings only. What you put in your body is part of the maintenance, not separate from it.
- Changing my circle: I stopped spending time with people who weren’t working on themselves. You really do become the five people you’re around the most. I made sure those five were people who took family seriously and had a committed, positive attitude.
- Journaling: Getting my thoughts and feelings out of my head and onto paper meant I could actually look at them. That changed the dynamic.
- Weekly counselling: Bringing my journaling into regular sessions gave everything structure. Having someone help me make sense of what I’m tracking has been one of the biggest pieces.
- Daily gratitude practice: Every day I name what I’m grateful for. I’ve also added something to it: I think of one person or situation that’s been bothering me and I choose peace with it. Things don’t have to be perfect for me to decide I’m not going to let them own my day.
What advice would you give to other guys fighting suicide, anxiety, and depression?
You don’t have to do it alone and if the thoughts have gotten dark enough that you’ve wondered about not being here, know that suicidal ideation is actually a natural response from a nervous system running past its limit. The work is to stay connected to something that matters: your kids, a friend, a parent, and to find at least one person you can talk to honestly.
Depression and anxiety can own you or you can own them, and the difference usually starts with what you say to yourself about yourself and whether you’re doing something daily to move the needle. If that thought has shown up for me, I have learned it will not fully go away… but I can make it plan Z and fill all the other spots with the things that remind me of why I’m still here.
Jhöl Unger
New Westminster, BC, Canada
The Mensdate Project
