Howard's Story
Howard shares how small, consistent actions, rather than grand gestures, make the biggest difference in helping a friend reconnect.
"It's much more about being consistent. Consistency is what shrinks the loneliness."
The ironic thing is, even though all of us have experienced loneliness, it can still often feel tricky when you’re trying to support someone in your life who may be lonely.
Now I know I had this same thought when I was trying to help a close friend of mine who was experiencing loneliness, and what really helped me was to start looking at loneliness like it was hunger. Now, both are natural reactions that our body has in situations where something’s missing. Doesn’t mean something’s broken; it doesn’t mean there should be any shame involved; it’s just a signal. When you look at it that way, it becomes much easier to address, but I still felt initially that that meant “oh I need to take this friend out to a metaphorical buffet”, when, really, the intensity of support is not as impactful as the consistency. It’s much more about being consistent. Consistency is what shrinks the loneliness. But there’s different ways to do that depending on the situation.
Now continuing with that metaphor, for example, sometimes my friend needed me to almost cook for him, which meant I would reach out directly, I would plan something, I would call, I would show up, and be very direct about trying to support.
Other times it didn’t need to be as direct; it was almost more like shopping at the grocery store. This would be helping this friend introduce them to some people, brainstorm ideas about ways that they could get involved in communities that would help them not feel as lonely, or even helping them find a therapist. And other times it was even less direct than that. Sometimes, they just needed someone to eat with them, and in that case, it’s sometimes just going on a walk with them, watching a game or maybe just being with them so that they don’t feel lonely.
There are a lot of different ways, and when you look at support like you’re trying to address hunger, it becomes less daunting. But the most important thing is to remember it doesn’t have to be a massive feast or a buffet; it can just be a little snack, here a little help there. Again, it’s the consistency, not the intensity, that matters.
Better Together
This post is part of Better Together, a collaboration between HeadsUpGuys and The Scooty Fund to address loneliness in men.