Arlen's Story
Arlen shares how early life events left him carrying unprocessed grief until later experiences equipped him with the skills to face it head on.
"I remember my dad saying, 'Ah dry up' when I was crying as a kid. Later in life, I had to learn expressions of emotion."
About Arlen:
I am a writer, speaker, musician and mental health advocate. My mission is to use my creativity, tenacity, and experience to inspire and lead others toward better mental health. I share how unresolved grief spiralled into addiction and mental health challenges, and ways that helped me out.
At the start of my grade twelve, my brother died in his workplace. My dad died nine days later from cancer.
I pretended that I was okay to move on with life.
Unresolved grief turned to drinking and drugging and a few short years later, I disappeared from work. I finally asked my family for help. I had a drug problem.
Going “cold turkey” in detox turned badly into drug-induced-psychosis suicidal-self-harm. This resulted in a 24-hour-watch until a psychiatric hospital bed became available. The psychiatric ward was challenging. A story about the early rough days of Abraham Lincoln (he had to be protected from himself) gave me hope to get out of the hospital. I went back into detox and through rehab. I was clean and sober with the 12 step programs. I headed up north to work and that is where I experienced my first manic psychosis in a cabin in the winter woods.
Most of my twenties were a vicious cycle of manic psychotic breaks from reality through mixed states into depression and suicidal ideation.
My releases from hospital were nasty with being institutionalized and then released abruptly with virtually no community supports. I worked many different jobs from cook to wilderness guide to welder and had education attempts interrupted.
What was the major turning point in your recovery?
I learned to take my mental health seriously and give up my manic highs after a painful experience. One night, I waded into a spring-thawed river up to my waist in water. I was a little manic and believed that I could perform an effective backflip landing on my feet. After all I used to do it off of diving boards. The resulting smash of my head into the river bottom rock tore my neck and shoulder muscles. I stood up in pain and clasped my neck with my hands and fell into the suspension of the river current and found myself floating down river toward the night. I went to work the next day. My bosses ended up taking me into the hospital for care.
The major turning point in my manic psychotic breaks seemed to be related to unresolved guilt over my Dad’s death. As a teenager, I briefly wanted my dad to die and then he did die. My dad was a tough World War II veteran that didn’t have much tolerance at times for the emotional. I remember my dad saying, “Ah dry up” when I was crying as a kid. Later in life, I had to learn expressions of emotion. Years after his death, I experienced a breakthrough in Cuba when I was mildly psychotic. I was able to converse with my dead dad and receive his love, guidance for forgiveness, letting go, and living life. After that point there was a couple of lighter psychotic experiences yet the abyss sealed up.
I became a heavy industrial safety advisor. I was working at a major facility in Fort McMurray where I decided to be transparent with my mental health. I sold two books that I wrote: The Bipolar Guide to the Gift and Fracture: A Memoir. In the following days and weeks at work I was approached by many people sharing their own private stories of suffering and courage.
What helps me:
- Get to know myself—I am on my own journey—strive to be self-aware.
- Build a case of what works for me and what doesn’t—learn to act on it.
- Forgive myself and others (they did the best that they could at the time).
- Learn to give up my dangerous highs—this reduces falls into depression.
- Guard my sleep—lower my stimulus—learn wind-down techniques.
What could help you:
- Be honest with your doctor and discover what medication works. As you work on the rest of your life, consult with your doctor, there may be a tendency to need less medication.
- Early diagnoses, intervention, and treatment of psychosis is crucial.
- Get back up when you get knocked down.
- Take responsibility for your life and start to believe that your life can be better. You are the creator of your existence.
- You are worthy of love and goodness. Love and help yourself.
- Help someone else. Find your purpose to live.
- Focus on gratitude and strive to cultivate a positive attitude.
I have a website, www.arlenrundvall.com, where I share mental health stories and songs. I released two music albums: Not Always, Face the Wind and the single, Christmas in the Psych Ward. My latest book is called, Face the Rain: Mental Health Essentials. There is a link on the website to the complimentary audiobook of The Bipolar Guide to the Gift.
-Arlen Rundvall, Surrey, BC, Canada